Pieces of My Heart

A Great Distraction

2009-06-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

I just realized something...I ABSOLUTELY LOVE TO TRAVEL!!! The very idea of it sends my heart into a flutter that is so earth shattering I can barely breath. I get so excited just looking at flights, places to stay, what to do, where to eat...OMG my heart is pounding. I spoke to a friend today and we talked about the idea of taking a trip to Key West or Belize. Seriously, it sent my melancholy mood straight over the rainbow! I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz when she is first skipping down the yellow brick road "off to see the wizard..."

Now whether or not this trip will actually come to fruition remains to be seen, obviously. But it certainly gave me something else to focus on besides my feelings of misery. I was going thru all the websites and suddenly I realized I was smiling again. It feels good to be happy. I need this feeling all the time. I'd like to bottle it into an elixir and get drunk off of it daily. This is how I should feel all the time. It's like getting to the top of the roller coaster right before it heads into a deep drop...Pure EXHILARATION AS YOU SCREAM YOUR HEAD OFF DURING THE FREE FALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's where I am at right now...and I LIKE IT!

Getting Over It

2009-06-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own way of getting over someone. Many women I have met are super strong. They make a decision and never look back - they are done. There are others that pine over the person until they are sick and are pretty much on their way to stalkerville. It might take a court order for them to realize it's over and there is no getting around it. Then there is me. I "FEEL" everything from sadness, to joy, to desperately missing, to anger and pain...ALL OF IT!!! I will retreat into my shell for some time and go over and over everything, the good the bad and the ugly. I will talk to countless friends to get their opinion about what I should do. Even though I know ALL of their answers will be the same, I still ask. I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I'm sure my talking about it over and over must drive them insane. Actually, now that I think of it...they must really be great friends just to put up with that bullshit! :-) I think when it boils down to it, they just want to see me happy. And I truly want to be happy too. But getting there is what takes what seems like FOREVER.

So what can I do to make these feelings go away and get to happy? Try to remember how I got to this place, maybe. Come to terms with why I feel so jilted and why I need to move on. Stop, stop, stop remembering the good times. Try to put them in the back of my mind for now. And start keeping in mind the reasons why I need to get out of this relationship. Ugh, ok...here we go. Let's start from the beginning:

1. Hmm, you cheated on me

2. You went on a fucking cruise with another woman and lied about it

3. You would get angry with me for no apparent reason and not talk to me for days/weeks at a time

4. You stiffeled my personality to the point where I was not myself

5. You drink too much

6. You seem to think that buying me things is a way of showing affection

7. I am always last on your list

8. You are insecure and jealous which is interesting considering #1

9. You refuse to be close to my family or allow me to be close to yours

10. You are extremely materialistic

11. You don't like skiing, golfing, nature, sunshine, dancing, to be romantic, my friends, my family, trying new things

12. You know that I want to get married and have a family, yet you do not share that desire

13. You seem to think it's ok for you to talk to all the women you want to, but if I do it, I'm cheating on you

14. You are all about you and your needs

15. You are not proud of me

16. You never get excited over things that I am excited about

17. You have attacked my integrity and my character

18. You have allowed your friends to do the same

19. As many times as I backed you up - even if you were wrong, you have never done the same for me

20. You can't say I love you unless you are drunk

21. You completely ignore my feelings

22. Hmm, you're an asshole

23. You couldn't even pick up YOUR birthday gift from my parents

24. You have a track record for hurting women that care for you

25. You use your family as a cover for lies you tell

26. You took back gifts you gave me

27. You always talk about "all the things you have done for me" but never ever acknowledge all that I have done for you...and somehow I manage to give these things without putting it back in your face as you have with me

28. I feel like I have wasted the last 4 years of my life, love and heart on a man that didn't give a damn about me

29. You broke my heart

30. You pretended to be my friend, but you are no friend

31. You betrayed your own best friend to cover for another

32. I don't think people really like you

33. You don't know how to be in social settings

34. You have never fought for me like I have for you

35. You are controlling and domineering

36. You don't respect women

37. You have double standards

38. You don't know how to love anyone

39. You are not trustworthy

40. You look at marriage in a very negative light

I'll write more as I come up with them. This makes me feel a little better...

the angel book of days

2009-06-05T16:36:00.000-07:00

June 5th

Pride, ego and inflexibility will hinder you. Your Angels teach you forgiveness, sympathy, and understanding.

Just Shoot Me Now...

2009-06-04T13:47:00.000-07:00

1. Guy I've known for years and is like a brother to me, has lived with his girlfriend for 4 years and who I never thought in a millions years would get married...Does!

2. Girlfriend who has only been dating her boyfriend a year gets engaged at the coast this past weekend.

3. One of my best friends is about to give birth to a beautiful baby girl in a week.

4. FUCK, one of the ugliest girls I know (sorry, but really, she's hard to look at) has even landed a man and is planning her wedding for this January.

5. Another girlfriend (this one is funny) is planning her wedding and hasn't even gotten her ring yet (although her boyfriend claims it's in the works)

6. Yet another, quit smoking cuz they are planning to start trying to have a baby

7. Oh, and #6's brother...yea, met a girl six months ago and already proposed

8. A co-worker, just showed me a picture of her brother who just proposed to his girlfriend in the airport after he got off the plane from Iraq. The ring was the size of my head!

9. I think you get the picture

10. Does there really even need to be a ten here?!?!

What gives? What is wrong with me? What did I do to still be alone and almost 40? I've been thru two fucked up divorces and two horrible miscarriages. I'm so sad and angry...and most of all lonely. I think I deserve to be happy and have someone to share the rest of my life with. Have a few kiddos and watch them grow up and call me mommy. Why is that asking too much when it comes so easy for everyone else it seems?

I just don't get it.

WEDNESDAY RANT!

2009-06-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

Seriously...do your OWN fucking job!

I tell you, I can't stand it when I walk in the door and someone has taken it upon themselves to do my job. It makes me feel like I'm not doing it. Seriously dude, if you want to do it, then I won't come in earlier than everyone else every day! I'll come later, LIKE everyone else! WTF?!?! You are not doing me any favors, you are just pissing me off!

On a side note, my friend turned me on to Men vs. Wild with Will Ferrell (who I love). I watched it for the first time last night. They spent 48 hours in the mountains in a blizzard and ate a deer's head to survive. Needless to say, I had some pretty crazy dreams last night. HA, I love it! I bet Will questions why he ever agreed to do this...

Yes It's Only Tuesday...

2009-06-02T14:42:00.001-07:00

Obviously you can see where my week is heading.

Letting Go

2009-06-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

I loved all of you
Even when you didn't deserve it
Why is that?
You took pieces of me

Why is it hard to let go
And stop loving you?
I was good to you and
Yet you pushed me away

I sit here and sigh alone
I miss you
I feel like it was all a waste
All I wanted was for us to be together

I'm trying to find an outlet
I'm trying to get past this place
Get beyond the part where it hurts
Somehow get rid of what's inside

I wonder when it will stop
It seems like it will be forever
I want to smile again
Please God show me how to let go

I want to have hope
I want to have love
I want to have peace
I want to have joy

Somehow I'll get there
Somehow it will all pass
Sometime I'll look back
And forget that I was ever here